I thought I wanted another baby. I had 4 children and had just turned 35 years old. But, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I changed my mind. My husband and I fought all the time, but that was not new. My 5 year old was having problems. He was later diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. My youngest was about to turn two. But really, I was just selfish. I was so selfish and evil. I used to say "I terminated my pregnancy." Now I know I killed my baby. My son was not a pregnancy, he was a baby.

Since I was 35, I had already had an amnio. I was in my second trimester. I think I was 17 weeks. I started the termination elsewhere, but my water broke before I returned so I actually had the baby at labor and delivery at the hospital. I never told anyone about what I had done. No one mentioned figuring it out. My husband was crying, I hurt him. My children didn't seem to understand their brother was dead. Later, it was my 5 yr olds birthday party, he was turning 6. He told me he invited his baby brother. I had to explain to him that his baby brother went back to heaven. Everyone believed I just lost the pregnancy. I did not. My son was hurting, he lost his brother. It was horrible. Yet, as of that point, I felt no guilt. I still felt like I did the best thing.

The next year, things changed. Financially, we were doing way better. My younger children were off at school. But mostly, I changed. I wanted another baby. Then I had a miscarriage. I had 3 miscarriages in fact, the last one actually being an ectopic pregnancy. Then, at 38, I finally stayed pregnant. My little boy is precious and wonderful. But now, I realize what I did. I killed my son. I have so much regret. It has been four years since I did what I did. I am horrible. I am evil and horrible. I just do not know if I can ever forgive myself. I don't know if God will really forgive me. But mostly, my son, who I killed.