I was 17 when i first found out i was pregnant i was so scared because i didn’t know what i should do and who to talk to so i started to do research on things i needed to do and also avoid. About a week after i found out i told my boyfriend and he didn’t mind he actually took it better than i did when i found out. He was happy and all i wanted to do was cry because i was scared but he assured me that everything was going to be fine. So we both agreed to wait about a week before we told my parents and when i did tell them i told my mom first then my dad.

My mom was disappointed in me and started to cry, but my dad went a little too far in my opinion he was more that pissed at me. The same day i told my parents was the same day they made the appointment. When i came home from school that day before my appointment my dad told me that i better get an abortion because he was not going to help me take care of a baby and if i did choose to keep it i had the weekend to find a new place to live. My dad also told me that my car was to be put under his name and out of mine and that my phone was no longer mine and i had to leave it with him and cancel the service. So basically my dad was trying to make it so i would get the abortion by scaring me that i would have to start my life over from scratch, knowing that i didn’t have a job at the time. I would have had to live with my grandparents and i never got to talk to them about it.

When i went to the appointment that same day the doctor told me the that i was 5 weeks and everything seemed to be fine but my dad told the doctor that i wanted an abortion when in fact i didn’t he did. My mom didn’t like the idea of abortion either but she still pushed it as well. When i had the abortion i was 9 weeks. After the abortion i wouldn’t talk to any of the people that knew what had happened. At my high school they kept telling me that things will get better and things happen for a reason.

My mother told me that if they both knew that the baby wouldn’t of had autism then they wouldn’t of had made me get the abortion, but i knew that was a lie. I was taking Remicade at the time i was pregnant and they lied to me telling me that the baby would have a 90% chance of having autism but any doctor i talked to couldn’t tell me anything other than Remicade would have little to no effect to an unborn baby. Weeks had passed by and i still had regret, depression, suicidal thoughts, constant crying and mental breakdowns (at lest 3-4 times a day sometimes more).

Then the annual family June party came around and i was sitting at the table and my cousin came in with her baby girl who was 5 months at the time. And everyone including my mom was loving on her and when i saw my moms expression i got so upset that i wanted to cry but i knew i couldn’t so i did my best to hide it. Then when the baby wanted to play with me i said no and my dad started to make comments about the baby so i got up and walked outside and started crying. I hid out in front of the carport so nobody could see me and i could also stay out of the rain as much as possible.

My grandfather asked me if i was ok and i lied telling him i was. A bit later my cousin came out asking me if i was ok and trying to figure out what was wrong and i wouldn’t tell her so she went inside and told my mom i was crying and then my mom came outside. I got very defensive and told my mom everything! She kept telling me that all this crying and threats was from my hormones that haven’t gone back to normal and that was possibly half right. After awhile i calmed down and went inside out of the rain and started to play with my baby cousin because her parents asked me to feed her for them because they needed to help my grandfather cook so i did.

The entire time at the party i stayed away from my father because i wanted nothing to do with him. While school was out all i did was stay in my room and cried, occasionally i got up to play on the computer to see if i could distract myself. But every time i got on all i could do was either get on facebook and talk to friends about their summer or i would somehow end up on an abortion support site trying to figure out if i was going to be at a loss of interest in everything or having feelings of guilt and hate for the rest of my life.

I am 18 now and i still struggle with the thoughts and memories of the abortion. I have tried everything from counseling to support groups to even talking to friends, nothing helps. I can’t stop thinking that the abortion wasn’t supposed to happen. And my friends that said things will get better, well things never got better. And my friends that said things happen for a reason, i would love to know the reason why i have to put up with this pain for the rest of my life.

I am still with the guy that got me pregnant and after the abortion our relationship went downhill but we are now trying much harder than ever to stay together. According to him all i do is start a fight about everything even if it isn’t important. We are planning to move in together by next year after my 19th birthday. But before we move in i hope i find some way of stopping or even getting rid of some of the pain and regret of the abortion.