It was August when this happened. I waited and waited and waited. 3 1/2 months until November. I wanted to have this baby at the same time I had no idea what private school would do to me, what would people think? Would I get abused or hurt because of this? I hid in my clothes. I already was dealing with depression and I was an alcoholic blacking out every night or almost every night. And I was high off of Bounce dryer sheets and was majorly anemic. I did some drugs. Last time I did drugs was the 10th of November and shot up, did coke, smoked weed, took pills, drank. I made suicide attempts. I tried drowning myself in the bathtub and killing the baby. I had so much hurt and pain from everyone that hurt me to the extreme. I had no idea what to do. I am innocent. I am 15 years old. I am a little girl. What do I know what to do? I had no friends, just people I called friends and did trashy things with guys. I went to Planned Parenthood and got the abortion, 2nd trimester. It was a girl.

I have been so emotional over this lately. Seeing MTV's 16 and pregnant does not want me to go back to that place, at the same time I have my on and off fantasies of me getting pregnant because it was there and then it wasn't. I feel empty sometimes. I would want to have the baby and give it up for adoption, but I don't want the baby to be messed up from everything I did, plus it was the sperm of the rapist. I wish I had my little girl. It was mine. I would be dead sooner or later if I did not have the abortion, and 2 of us would be in heaven. She is my guardian angel. She risked her life to save mine. I think about it all the time. I named her Autumn in memory that it was in November. I am a lot stronger today. I got out of a treatment after a year and am 17 years old now. I worked on that issue the whole year.

November 16th - 2008