I'm really struggling with the termination of my babies

I'm really struggling with the termination of my babies! When I found out I was pregnant it was mixed emotions, my partner was supportive as he could be but we were forced into the termination because of living situations and my health. I currently live with a very elderly grandma mother who is very judgement and Is against children before marriage. Also in the house is my 50 year old downs syndrome uncle who if anyone has experience with downs know they hate a routine change. It would be unfair. My partner and I went down many paths and reasons could we? Couldn't we? What shall we do? What's for the best?. At the time we found out I was pregnant I hadn't long been off chemotherapy cancer treatment and then I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant. We had our parents support whatever the decision. But in the end as hard and I mean harder than I thought we went to the clinic for the abortion. I then found out i was having twins, the one thing I always wanted. We still had the abortion. And it was the hardest my partner and I went through. It was a week before Xmas and we had to hide all evidence from my grandma and Throw ourselves into Xmas like nothing had happened. 2 weeks after yhe abortion we found out there were 2 babies being welcomed into the family. Again we had to pretend it didnt bother us. Over the months I thought it never bothered me. But I've been so very emotionl lately and snappy with everyone. We've worked out that it's nearly my due date and so many things and questions are there. And I can't deal with them. I have a line of mental health and I'm sorry worried I'm going to end up back in that dark place. I feel like I'm crumbling away day by day and I don't know what to do anymore