I had an a abortion 24 years ago

I had an a abortion 24 years ago At the time I thought I would go on to have more children but it did not happen. So I grieve for what might have been. I have two daughters but I have forever longed for a son My husband stated he did not want another child as we had had two in twelve months and this was only 18 months later I arranged it but even on the day I was asking the dr if he could tell me what sex it was and I was crying throughout the whole procedure I just can’t seem to get it out of my mind .... My two daughters do not know what happened but they know my relationship with alcohol is not right I need help to come to terms with it and put my daughters first I need to make huge changes in my life and become sober mummy It would be the best present I could ever give them and they would be so proud of me. I need to repair my relationships with them and become a good mum. I have to accept that it happened and that I was not emotionally strong enough to deal with it.